To face death eye to eye, or the prospect there to, is something no one wants to do. We are forced into it at the last-minute making decisions under less than ideal circumstances.
Some face the prospect with fear, some with relief and some with thoughts of adventure.
My initial reaction was that of worry! How would Marj survive, how will the children and grandchildren make out, what would happen to all the projects I had started.
You cannot hide behind denial when that cold hard reality is biting you in the ass!
After a while I resigned to the reality and decided that if I was going to die there was nothing I could do about it and that was that. If I was going to live, then my terms would be based on how I would live going forward. I was not prepared to live with doctors poking and prodding testing drugs and procedures hoping to keep me alive one more day or one more month. If I were destined to live then it had to be a normal life, not as a dependant bleeding the last there was out of those arround me.
I decided then and there that the only acceptable conclusion was to go with the gusto! Plan for the worst face the challenge head on. If I was wrong well I would be dead and couldn’t change that. If I was right then I would live and try to change things and become a better person only if I didn’t become a dependant.
It was a crap shoot but on the other hand it could be the best thing that ever happened to me. That was it! I would tell the Doctors to go ahead and do what they had to do! Go for the full meal deal and never mind the exploratory!If they thought for a moment that I was going to be the least bit handicapped to pull the plug!
When Marj arrived for her morning visit I would encourage her to adopt my decision and embrace the challenge with grit.
You know when you make a good decision because you are at total peace with yourself! It just feels right! You can not be told otherwise. Deep down inside you are there. Solid and strong. It doesn’t matter what anybody says or does you are there and nothing is going to change your mind!
Marj and I got together early afternoon, she was pretty upset and it was everything I could do to open our talk about what had to be done.
Marg has always been the strong one, but she has always been totally dedicated to me. For her, I think this was the biggest challenge she has ever had to face. Having been married to me for the better part of forty years,to an old blow hard like me, that dictated every aspect of your life, I can only imagine what was going through her mind. Either it was sheer joy at the prospect of freedom or complete devastation, albeit I firmly believe it was the latter.
None the less I explained to her that I did not want to leave her with a mental mushroom nor did I want her dealing with eighteen months of cancer treatment only to have things end in a funeral. I gently explained that I would rather take a shot at a “full meal deal” and either be dead or fixed up one way or the other. To my surprise she supported me in my decision 100%, though the conversation was emotionally charged to say the least.
So the die was cast! We would roll the dice and let Lady Luck call the ball!
I found it funny when the Doctor and his side kick came back they were only interested in getting me to sign a form. Now let’s think about that for a minute, I am in what could be considered a Mental facility, on a bunch of drugs and they wanted me to sign a document that who knows authorized what, after they told me I was gonna die if it didn’t let them do what they wanted to do.! I have to wonder just how would that document stand up in court if it ever got there.
“Yes your honour we have this agreement signed by the Plaintiff wherein which he waived the right to litigated, right after we told he would die if we didn’t do what we wanted to do!”
I would have signed anything at that point, why not I technically had nothing to lose I was dead anyway!
Canadian legal system ceases to amaze me!